What If Manchester United's Players Weren't Footballers?

[Varun]

Have you ever looked at them and thought:
"You lucky bastards, just as well you became footballers and not have to work?"
However, what would Manchester United's stars do if they hadn't been blessed by genetics with football skills?

Rio Ferdinand - Big Rio would have to been involved in the music business somehow. I'm seeing him as an Ali G type hip hop loving rapper keeping it real in da hood. Rio Da Rapper would be the Snoop Dogg of Peckham and eventually end up as the owner of a dodgy nightclub.

Michael Carrick - Plumber with "Carrick and Son Plumbers" of Newcastle Upon Tyne. Big Micky Carrick has the look of a reliable Geordie tradesman. Well, reputedly reliable until your toilet overflows. He'd be very expensive mind you and you might wonder whether he's worth the dough but he'll get the job done.

Ryan Giggs - For some reason I'm seeing Giggsy as a car mechanic. In the blue overalls, oil on the face, rolling out from under a car on one of those trolley's they use. Giggsy in the garage!!! "Well we've had to replace the whole clutch unit mate". How much? £300 quid? For fucks sake Giggsy!!!

Paul Scholes - Computer programmer. Scholesy wouldn't want a job with a lot of talking or interaction with the general public. He'd like something were he could get on with things by himself. He'd be a quiet lad who never says much but prone to genius, just don't expect to see him at a works booze up.

Park Ji Sung - Daewoo/Hyundai/Samsung employee. No brainer this. The industrious little lad would be working like a demon on the factory floor all day making the consumer goods that we in the west canny be arsed to make anymore.

Cristiano Ronaldo - Portuguese 18-30 holiday tour guide. "My name is Cristiano and I will be your guide around the beautiful Algarve the next two weeks." The British tourist totty/slappers would go crazy for him so the crafty Latin lothorio would do be plenty nobbing despite not being rich and famous.

Wayne Rooney - Born in the Scouse wastelands? From a working class background? Oh dear a career in criminality and prison beckons!!! If not then a life of leisure on the dole with a bit of DVD/CD pirating and window cleaning to supplement the income and keep Colleen happy.

Nemanja Vidic - Serbian solider. Commander Vidic of the Serb Special Forces. He'd have seen a fair bit of defensive action of a different kind and you wouldn't want to be on the receiving end. Croats and Bosians run to the hills!!!

Louis Saha - I'm afraid, poor old Louis would'nt have a job. Always sick, he'd be on the good old Disability Living Allowance (DLA).

Patrice Evra - Nightclub bouncer. A wee hardman. You've seen the type many a time. Black gloves, black puffy jacket, ear piece, mad look in the eyes. They might not be the tallest but by bugger they will empty you if you fuck with them.

Anderson - With those dreadlocks he would have to be in some sort of Brazilian Samba-reggae band. With all that energy he'd have to play the drums.

Carlos Tevez - Oh dear. The notorious Fort Apache ghetto in Buenos Aires, run by gangs would have meant a life as rough as fuck. But our tough lad Carlos would survive the mean streets - as a taxi driver blazing round the crazy streets of Buenos Aires at 80 MPH with his car decked put in Boca juniors colours. You like River Plate? Get the fuck out of my car before I kill you!

Edwin Van der Sar - Amsterdam bar owner. Big Edwin would surely work in one of those wee Dutch pubs barely big enough to swing a cat. Another small glass of Heineken? Yes, big man, pour away!!! And can you recommend a good coffee shop and tell us how much are the hookers?

Nani - Waiter in the Algarve. Nani would be weaving in and out of tables instead of defences. He'd probably know Ronaldo as well. Would probably not be wise to do the backflip in a crowded restaurant.

Gary Neville - Office Manager. I see Gaz Nev as the office manager of a Bury Paper and Office Supplies company. He'd obviously be big into his trade unions duties as well. Got a problem? Ask Gaz and he'll sort it out for you. Get him on your side and he'll make sure headoffice doesn't piss you around.

Owen Hargreaves - Seems like a brainy sort of lad with more intellect than your average player. Hargreaves would make the perfect student, studying a BA Combined in Social Anthropology and Byzantine Studies, then a career as Mr Hargreaves, Head of History Department at Calgary High School, Canada.

Wes Brown - Carpet fitting. You want a new carpet for the stairs or living room? Call "Wesley Brown Carpet Fitters" serving the Longsight and Gorton areas of sout east Manchester.

John O'Shea - Van driver. I can just see Big John in a Ford Transit, probably reversing down a one way street, making a wreck less right turn or shouting out "You fecking ejit ya" at some pensioner who is crawling along at 17 MPH.

Darren Fletcher - Postman. I can just see Dazza on his rounds in the streets of Edinburgh. Fletcher the Postie would makes few mistakes but don't ask him anything complicated about international postage rates to Bermuda for 23 Kg box of quails eggs.

Dong Fangzhuo - With such natural poise, balance and skill I can't imagine Dong being anything other than a footballer, the man is a natural... Okay if he hadn't made it in football he'd either be a pissant peasant or slaving away in a Nike factory to make the United shirts he now wears. How's that for irony?

Source: McCleery's Manchester United Zone

[visham]

that we in the west canny be arsed to make anymore.

You're not a westerner.

[Varun]

Source: McCleery's Manchester United Zone

[visham]

pa ti truv sa

[Varun]

So, which of these do you prefer, Visham?

[visham]

none ti fek lever. lol

[Varun]

I've got a question...

What if Visham wasn't a nano technology student?

[visham]

b lerla mo ti pu bat ciment

[Varun]

I guess it would have been the same for me had the world's best invention not seen the day.

[Prithvi]

Lolllll!!

Topo net sa varun!! Mo 2mane moi kuma eski to ggn sa ban site la toi??

[Kavi]

Mo mem kin don li sa!! 2man li li pa pu rod dir twa selman. Sowaz la

[Varun]

Kavi...

[Kavi]

Varun ena ti zanfan ici. Pa blier.

[Varun]

Who? You, Kavi?

[Kavi]

Naaaaaaaaaaaaaa Plithvi

[Sneha]

Ala bann zinzins laaa...

[Kavi]

[Prithvi]

Si moi mo zenfan kavi toi to pa moins toi!!

To enkor zenfan mem!!! Pa declare toi adulte!!!

[Kavi]

Sorry but mo ban dir okein par dan forum ki mo 1 adult ein plithvi.. Lot ku get bien avan to judge 1 zafer. Ok?

[Sneha]

What are you, two, talking about?

[Varun]

Let them, darling. They are simply growing up. May be one of them will be playing for ASPL2000 or Riviere du Rempart FC in the future.

[Kavi]

[Prithvi]

Naaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Plithvi

B toi osi to zenfant!!